Holy Crap

All right, my only excuse is that I am up at ten to two in the morning because I might have a small-scale life altering job, and I am waiting for a west coast call. And I am tired as ballsacks. But *seriously*, folks.

Y’all’s blogs is boring as *SHIT*.

First of all, everyone’s blog contains somewhere a disclaimer about how you don’t really care and shouldn’t read it. You also say that I shouldn’t care about your life. Then why the hell are you keeping a blog? Man, after reading your blog, how the hell do you care about your life?

Did you go to work today? Really. How did that make you feel? Hm. Right, right. No, no, go ahead. Your co-worker? No- what did he do? He didn’t! He did?! So, what did you eat when you got home? Hot dogs? Really? Just the hot dogs, without any veggies? Wait, wait, hold on a second, you haven’t told me what you bought at the Labor Day Sales. A suede skirt? Is that the one from the HOLY LOVE OF GOD, I AM GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD JUST KNOWING YOU SHARE THE SAME PLANET AS ME.

Jesus Christ. Think about it. Give yourself five years, wait – no, give yourself two weeks. If what you are doing right now won’t matter to you in two weeks then you have three choices. 1) do something more interesting, and then write about that, 2) keep doing the same boring ass “I heart McDonalds, I shop at the Gap, I hate my job, I want a nicer boyfriend, I eat little kid food and claim it’s ironic when actually it just dulls the pain, I talk about my weight, I love Friends” fucking life and don’t write about it, or 3) be more goddamn funny.

Look, I know some people read this shit. The only reason you’ve read this twice is because I don’t tell you about my boring ass day, I don’t talk about how stuff feels good that’s supposed to, and I don’t complain about the same shit frickin’ Dilbert complains about. And if I ever do these things, I’m funny. I’m goddamn irreverent. It’s a gift, really. Everything I do is art. Everything you do is boring.

But you can do whatever you want, if you can be more goddamn funny. My brother Ian’s blog is actually never about anything. No-one cares about his pumpkins. Seriously. No-one. His pumpkins don’t care about his pumpkins. But I read his blog because he’s funny.

I know, a lot of people were born without a quick tongue. It’s a *BLOG* for the love of God. Take your time. My brother Kent can write his blog without thinking and it’s awesome. You can’t. And by you, just assume I mean you. Almost every blog is bad, so if you’re reading this and you have a blog, that means you.

Not you, Mac.

Be more goddamn funny. It is no wonder Americans are hated. We actually think people want to read about our *jobs*. You don’t even like being there, why are you writing about it? JESUS CHRIST! YOU HATE IT, DON’T MAKE IT THE THING YOU WRITE ABOUT!!!!!!

Again, 1) do something cool and be a bad writer, that’s fine. 2) do something inane and don’t keep a blog, also fine. 3) do something cool and be a cool writer. (That’s where you come in, Mac.) I mean, you can do whatever you want, but I aint gonna troll for blogs anymore, I’m just gonna read what’s recomended to me. And if any part of your introduction implies that your blog is boring and shouldn’t be read, I’ll just trust you on it.