How does one say

This last year has been, unfortunately, indescribable. I feel like my life progresses in spurts and starts, but for the most part I enter into something and either screw it up or do it well, then I try a modification, then more stuff happens, and I muse on the things I’ve learned.

Seriously. I sit back and muse.

But every once in a while, you have a stretch, 6 months, a year, two years, something, and you come out on the other side a changed person entirely. I’m sure these are the periods that people go through where they find God or switch political parties or whatever, but you don’t really know what’s happening as it’s happening.

You can do the South Park thing and be like, “this experience has led me to believe that the following is true…” or whatever, but times like this, I think I’m just gonna wake up in a couple of years and realize that this last year turned me from being me at 30 into me at, y’know, 50 or something.

The utter and complete failure of Air Guitar, the incredible daunting task of creating a new home for me and for my mom, the understanding that my family no longer lives in New York, the sense of protection that I have for Jordana and the baby… it all has been pureed with the fact that I went back into therapy and got back on medication and now I’m sort of staggering through an unrecognizable landscape that I only intellectually understand is my life.

It’s been interesting to watch some people pull close with us now that we have a baby coming. It’s sucked to watch some people pull away, trying to get rid of us like flicking water off your hands at a public restroom. It is especially hard to understand that one’s aloneness is complete, even when one is surrounded by the incredible support that we’ve gotten from both our families.

But the honest truth is that I don’t know what is going on. This is one of those times when I lower my shoulder and drive to the basket, and I don’t know who’s getting fouled but there seems to be a lot of contact, and I’m not even waiting for the whistle. I couldn’t stop even if it was blown.

Jordana was 80% effaced and 2 cm dilated today. The doctor is thrilled.