Just Imagine

Posted 8:55 AM by sean
Pretend you hate George Bush. Not too hard for most of you reading this blog.

Now pretend that Russia, a country on the other side of the world who has always claimed to hate the US, decided to unilaterally invade America. They want to do it in order to bring a new system of government, to liberate us from a leader who assumed the reins of power even though he was not elected, to stop us from using chemical weapons on any country we want regardless of international opinion, to stop our government from fleecing its people and running up the national debt. To stop our government from using half of the world's resources and creating half of the world's polution despite having 5% of the world's people.

Russia is a wealthy country, but it feels pretty obvious to the Americans that they are invading us for money more than for liberation, when you consider the acts of the invading nation, they are hardly a better country than ours. Their leaders were elected, but by a horribly corrupt system, and it's a country where they murder their own citizens with a history of ethnic cleansing and brutal warfare.

Now imagine that, although you have been told that your army is strong and proud, imagine that we folded. In two or three months, we folded. Bush went into hiding and the Russians killed thousands and thousands of us. They tore down the Washington monument and hung the flag of Russia over Lincoln's face.

Wouldn't you fight? Wouldn't you bomb? God, if you had a gun, wouldn't you shoot it? The fourth airliner was run into the ground once the Americans on board heard about the first three. Do you think we would take this shit?

Now, imagine, you hate George Bush. You know he was shoved in office by his daddy's cronies, that he didn't win any election, that he is trying to make us live our lives in a way we don't like. But then he is found, and all you see is invader-sanctioned television showing him with a foot long beard being poked and prodded, with Russian hands in his mouth and his hair.

Would you be happy?

Christmas Eve

Posted 1:06 AM by sean
We have had a great day, but great days aren't really what I use this blog for. I use this blog in order to demystify the demons that I have, I use this space for looking for the worst in situations, I don't really use this for celebration.

So, the bad part about today is that I miss the family who isn't here. I miss my dad and I really miss Kent and Melissa and the kids. I always miss my dad on Christmas, but I also missed him a lot for my whole life so that's something I have learned to manage. I really wish we could have been with Sean and Lucas today on top of all this.

Our last two Christmases were sort of a last hurrah, I think. We're now moving in to more of an adult Christmas, one where we bring our new families together with our old ones, where we try to marry the people we marry to the people we were born with. And it is just really lovely, although it is new and different. To say this is as good as we can expect to have in our mid thirties is wrong, it is much much better than that. But I do miss the people who can't be here.

Jordana and I had our first date at a Passover Seder, so we are definitely aware of the sublime and the ridiculous when it comes to something like this. That night she asked me what my favorite children's story was, her belief being that your favorite fable from childhood is indicative of what your priorities will be, who you are deep down.

After thinking about it some time, I told her that my favorite story is the story of the christ-child's birth. Not the virgin and not the martyr to be, but the shepherds and the wise men and the manger surrounded by animals. There was nowhere for them to sleep that night, Mary was in danger of dying if she didn't find somewhere to lie down, and they ended up in the barn. When the baby was born, shepherds were told, "Listen, you need to see this. Someone needs to see this, and you are right here. You are *right here*! Come on."

There was a child who would change the world, but right now, he had nothing. The feeding trough was the only place to put his head. Greatness can be achieved by anyone, no matter how insignificant they might seem. Some of us achieve only what has been made easy for us, we only spend the time we have spared, we only love those who love us, we only travel the road that was built before we got there. But from this tiny baby, this one shining miracle of birth in a sea of billions and billions of births, this person changed the earth, made us what we are today.

So, it sticks with me. I cry every Christmas, at the songs and remembering the stories. I can't really be coherent about something like this, but for me, it is larger than the cliches. I am no Christian, but I love what Jesus means to me.

Jordana is pretty sick, she had a bleeding cyst on her ovary that has made her unable to keep any food in her and made her terribly uncomfortable, and I got really scared tonight for a little while, really scared that she was going to be going through something bad. And I just know that the greatness that she was born to be has not happened yet.

Your job

Posted 2:11 PM by sean
I have spoken about the kind of directors that I really like already, but lemme just sum up. I don't want you to try to teach me how to act. I want you to say "this is how this looks, this is too slow, come in from stage right, take your time with this passage, move down center on this line, remember what happened three scenes ago, exit stage right using the other door." I'll do all the rest.

And, along those same lines, don't raise the fucking terrorist alert. Do your job. Keep me safe. Or don't do your job and we'll find someone who can. I can't worry about any goddam attacks, none of us in New York can. We're *working*.

You have the greatest military force and intelligence gathering facilities at your fingertips. *I DON'T*! What do you want me to do? You want me to panic, you want me to thank you for the warning about an attack you couldn't stop? You want to make sure you can say "I told you so"? What, exactly, motivates you to tell me to be scared?

I'm not even one tiny shred scared. I am a student of history, (barely coherent most of the time, I know, but a student nonetheless) I know how tenuous the human condition is, I know how many hours I have to finish my life, to do my work and have babies and love and get sick and grow old and die. I know the limitations on my possibilities, and I just don't have it in me to worry about what *you* should be taking care of.

Katherine Hepburn said of Meryl Streep, "I don't like her. You always see all the work she's doing, all those gears and whistles burning up the screen." Exactly.

*MAN*, would I bang Katherine Hepburn.

Anyway, don't tell me to be careful. Don't waste my time. You're just saying that to make it seem as if you are working overtime. You want me to see you wringing your hands and wiping the sweat off your brow while you "fight terror". You idiot, terrorists want us to be terrified, that's the whole point. All they want is for us to have some sort of national fear index, some way of weighing the crippling terror we are carrying around.

You bought into it, Bush & Co. You're like the cops in Die Hard who follow the terrorist handbook and cut off the power to the building so that they can get into the safe. You called it a "crusade" you idiot. You said "this is the guy who tried to kill my dad." You're just so incredibly stupid, so clumsy, so befuddled and so calculating.

Well, I'm not gonna be scared. Right now I'm scared because Jordana is in the hospital getting her stomach checked out. My family is two hours away and I have to drive with drunks in order to get there. My friends, and my family, have love lives in disarray, and I am waiting to see if I can start making money at the job I've been promised.

I am already worried. About my real life. About *REAL THINGS*.

So above all else, above the Christ-as-a-philosopher, above the anti-gay and anti-women laws, above the attempted destruction of our ecology, above all the obvious reasons, the fact that you decided to raise the terror threat index two days before Christmas and made my brother insane with worry, that's why you will never get my vote. Jackass.