What Are You Thinking?

Posted 12:22 PM by sean
So, Janet Jackson is being shunned for tit-gate, Tyra Banks is being hassled for the models having sex on her show, Howard Stern is being forced off the air, and gay marriages are being shut down in California.

There is actually a battle going on in our country, and yes, it is a cultural battle, but it isn't the battle that you might think it is. This isn't a battle against one group of people with a firm idea of right and wrong versus a group of people with fluid interpretations. This is a battle for truth.

Have you ever seen a breast? Ever? In your life? Your pet cat, your pet dog, does it have rows of nipples? Do you think people *don't* have nipples? Women have nipples, and they are nice. When did you *decide* to be offended by seeing a nipple? It didn't come naturally to you, there is nothing offensive about a breast, so why did you make up this feeling of anger at one fucking exposed breast? What Are You Thinking?

Tyra Banks has had sexual intercourse before. So have all the models on her show. They've been given the high hard one, but good, and on several occasions. You know how I know? Because *I've* had sex with a fairly large number of people, and these are *MODELS*. I'm a fat guy. So, knowing that they have sex, why should we pretend they don't? Why did you decide that they don't have sex unless it's shown explicitly? What In GOD'S NAME Are You Thinking?

Howard Stern objectifies women. He likes looking at good looking women, and he has naked lesbians on his show. Please, will the people out there who have no conception of visual beauty please write to me and let me know that you don't objectify women? C'mon, blind people. The objectification of women *happens* and Howard Stern *talks about it*. He talks about stuff that happens. Do you think it doesn't? Ladies, do you watch ballet or basketball and never notice a guy's arms or legs or *cock* for the love of God? Why do you think that silencing this guy will make it go away? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

You think we were born with the eyes of a carnivore, set together in front of our face, because we *weren't* supposed to judge circumstances based on what we see? Do you walk in to doors and furniture? Do you recognize your friends by *smell*? Are you *BLIND*?

Back off, I'm on a tear.

Gay men are all around you, all the time. Guys who have sex with other guys. Do you think they aren't there? What makes you think that constant condemnation makes it possible for these people to stop being gay? What are you trying to solve by blocking people basic rights?

Seriously, I want to know. Let's say you pass a fucking *CONSTITUTIONAL AMMENDMENT* banning gay marriage. Do you honestly think that will stop gayness? What, are you gonna arrest gay people and put them in *prison*? Because I'm *SURE* that's gonna stop them from buggery. They aren't trying to marry *YOU*, they're marrying each other, because they're gonna fuck each other no matter what you do or say. Do you honestly think that stopping them from marrying is accomplishing anything?

And for you Republicans, you get pissed off about all the sex on TV, but you are totally cool with Fox News. You don't want there to be any coverage of things that ACTUALLY HAPPEN, but you fully support a channel devoted to lies and distortions. You're okay with your children being told lies about things that are important, but you are appalled by naturally occuring phenomena. What are you fucking thinking?

I'm not just talking to Republicans. I'm talking to you. If you don't like what you see on TV and hear on the radio, then turn it the fuck off. It's just the truth, you can hide from it. And if you don't want your kids to be confused by the adult messages they hear, then RAISE THEM YOUR FUCKING SELVES, don't sit them in front of the TV and bitch about what they're watching.

Raise your fucking kids. Don't make my adult life about raising your child, raise your own damn child. And if you don't want them to ever see a nipple, then throw out your TV. You just watched the superbowl with your kids, with cheerleaders, violence, beer commercials and a halftime show full of horrible singing, and Janet Jacksons' titt got you pissed off? Her tit is a real thing, there is a "news" channel that lies and distorts *24 HOURS A DAY*, and you're mad about .5 seconds worth of lovely boob?

What are you thinking?

Asshole.

Mac and Cheese

Posted 9:43 AM by sean
There are some really good blogs out there. I want to say that because I wrote a blog a year or so ago talking about how many bad blogs there are, but if you can get in a circle of blogs written by writers, you can have some pretty happy reading for an hour a day.

I came across this line this morning; "I jammed my finger over the weekend." I assumed the writer meant that she could no longer remember the weekend, because she had forcefully placed her finger over the memory. I was wrong, but still... awesome.

I saw "The Designated Mourner" with a group of my friends the other day. I went because my friend Mac is a Wallace Shawn fan, and I'm a big fan of Mac. He's written a really good analysis of the evening.

I have been doing these exercises that are supposed to help, y'know, my body and everything, but I still get terrible pain in my knees, especially when sitting. The chairs in the theater were jammed together, God bless my friends Jon and Ehren who are both about 6 foot 5 and were sitting with us. In order to save my knees, I was practicing what my personal trainer calls "dynamic sitting".

Except that about half an hour in, I wasn't thinking about it. I was terrified, I was enthralled, I was basted and kiln fired. This play is just magnificent. I guess it helps that they rehearsed it for four years, but it is *transporting*.

And later, much later for me, I thought back on it and I wanted it to have had a clear purpose. I want it to be an allegory, for it to speak out for or against something because it is so powerful, I want it to have direction. If this play had led me somewhere intellectually, I would now be there. If it had told me that gay marriage was wrong, that the war was justifiable, that the death penalty was necessary, I would have had my mind changed.

But what is only occuring to me now is that we can't expect real answers to come in packages of such extreme passion. As intellectually harrowing as this play is, it serves to communicate one tiny journey in the mind of one tiny man, and because he speaks for us, because he says things you've only said quietly in whispers to no-one before shushing yourself, because he says things that are true in this time in America where lying is the new black, I want him to tell me how to feel about all these other things that are confusing.

I often quote my friends and family because I feel like when words come from other people they are more legitimate. I've even attributed things I've said to other people in order to lend them legitimacy, but what comes to mind here is a moment in one of Mac's plays, one of his best called Mercurial. A playwright is arguing with a software developer, and he is asked if he really believes that a play can change the world. I'm probably paraphrasing here, but the character says "Plays don't change nations, but they do change hearts, and hearts change nations."

I don't know. But I'm close to believing it. I've felt that more than the ephemeral nonsense my religious friends have described.

Uh, do I need permission to quote Mac?

Utah

Posted 10:37 AM by sean
Wouldn't it be funny to complain about the DMV?

Y'know what, it isn't. And here are a few more things that aren't funny anymore
1) Women love to shop, men love remote controls. No shit, asshole, it was barely funny in 1971, it just sucks now.
2) Cell phones. Everything about cell phones isn't funny. Y'know how people have bad service and they talk really loud in movies and all the funny rings are so weird and gofuckyourself, it isn't funny.
3) Black people talk at the movie screen. Isn't that just *rude* how darkie always yells at the screen about how they shouldn't go in the haunted house? You'd almost think Eddie Murphy *didn't* say that in a movie that *everyone* saw in 1983.
4) Awkward uncomfortable Jews. Ooooh, look how neurotic! It's like that Jew doesn't know how to live his life free from concern! Ben Stiller, go fuck yourself. Take a clue from your dad who walks around like he's king of the world. That's the Jew I want to hang out with.
5) Fat people like to eat. Years from now, we're gonna look back on the "Fat Monica" episodes of Friends the same way we see Amos and Andy now. How hilarious that a *painfully* thin woman used to be, not just a little bit fat, but *obese*. When fat people watch that show, they want to die.
6) The lines at the DMV, Lawyers, Doctors love golf, Actors are shallow, people we worship for no good reason go to jail, WMDs, right wing christians are full of hate, acronym-jokes (except for the "INRI" above Jesus' head standing for "I'm Nailed Right In") all of this stuff is actually either pathetic or been done a billion times. So quit joking about it.

Stuff that's still funny
1) The internet is mostly porn.

It's funny because it's true!

The DMV in New York has decided that they can't accept a faxed copy of my Utah driver license because "that's how the terrorists fool the state." What they will accept is a hard copy that I bring in with my own two hands.

That's right, inter-departmental faxes can be tampered with by me because I never see or touch them, but hard copies that I send away for and then bring in are acceptable. Of course, security is of utmost concern, the letter has to have letterhead.

So, I called Utah and the people there were just like "Oh! Okay! You need to get this form and send it to us, and we'll take it from there! No problem!" It always amazes me that customer satisfaction is important in Utah at every possible interaction. The Drive-Thru lady is usually awesome in Utah. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but the culture shock of standing in line at a manhattan DMV and then getting on the phone with the nice lady at the Utah DMV was jarring.

I'm not saying these people don't believe that a Cap'n Crunch decoder ring brought them the word of God, I'm just saying they are awfully nice.