impermanence

Posted 8:35 AM by sean
Growing up, I had the incredible luck to switch schools almost every year. I did go to the same school for fourth and fifth grade, and the same wonderful private school for 7th, 8th and part of 9th grade, but other than that I switched schools every year.

I was either born an actor, or this helped make me one. I got in some sticky social situations and when I switched schools I just switched personae. I was even a sometime liar about my past, creating better characters to have been. In sixth grade, I had people convinced that the surfing in California was fantastic. Y'know, because I was born in San Jose...

Ian's blog talks about that sad feeling you get when a show closes and compares it to Buddhist sand paintings. This feeling of loss has been so profound with me that, on two separate occassions, I've quit doing theater. Along with dance, live theater is as ineffable as it gets, and it isn't just the loss of the experience once it's done. The fact that you can't review a videotape or re-play a CD or go to the museum means that opinions about the art can be vastly different, and vastly wrong, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

We've done Lucretia a bunch of times, and one show everyone hated it. We did the exact same show as other times, but people just glowered. (It was mostly our friends- man, do they suck) (Just Kidding guys! We love you!) (bastards). There's no way to go back and let these people know that they missed the show, because they didn't. In live theater, you don't do the show twenty times because you want that much audience, you do it twenty times because doing it twenty times is the art.

And you learn to understand and love the end of a run, you prepare for it. I'm never gonna quit acting again, I know that now, even if it means not doing it for a living. But you forgive your friends for telling you endless stories about being on stage, you forgive yourself for trying to one-up them, you forgive everyone that sad pause when the show closes down and you just keep praying that another job will come along.

And it's that attitude that has made the last couple of days a little better. I think Jordana and I would be *very* depressed. We just produced the best show we've ever put on, in terms of everyone enjoying it. The writing was by two of my favorite artists, Steve and Mac, with a tiny addition by Jordana and myself. People cried, people laughed, there was singing and dancing and, at one point, the audience literally jumped out of their seats and started dancing and singing along.

But, we're gonna keep making more shows. I'm excited about doing something that people might even hate. If theater is a lesson in impermanence, it's a lesson I learned a long, long time ago and I've finally resolved.

Wrapping up the Moon o' Honey

Posted 12:02 AM by sean
Yeah, we're leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Jace Alexander has decided that, despite my best attempts to be a bum, I should have some sort of a career, so he scheduled an audition for me tomorrow afternoon.

A couple of things. I understand the power of a good backrub, and the disappointment of a bad one. I also understand that most of the world is living on totally different economic legs than we are. I walk in to this place and tip twenty percent for people and suddenly I'm the frickin' mayor.

The spa bought us a two hundred dollar dinner tonight, so I tipped as best I could and rolled back up to the room. Jordana was packing our stuff up while I sat on the bed watching TV. She was smiling. I asked her what was funny and she said, "it's not that. I'm packing up our clothes, both of ours, and I feel like someone's wife. It sorta made me smile."

It will be indescribably great to get back to real life, back to auditions and rehearsals and meetings with Mac and Jordi to try to get our collective professional lives jump started. I want to have dinner parties and get up at 7 and go to the gym and all the stuff that makes up my real life. It's been a lovely departure, but now I have to actually deserve the love I have from my family and friends, and I'm, strangely, excited about trying instead of cautious.

About the wedding, I'm starting to be able to deal with it. During my massage today, I spent the entire time trying to remember every detail. I clearly remember the ceremony and then there's a sort of blank and then I remember the toasts (J's mom, my dad, and our punk ass best man). When I concentrate, little tiny things come back to me, but it's fun to do it that way. I think I don't want to see the videotape.

Anyway. Tomorrow, back to life, back to reality. Thankfully.

backrubs

Posted 6:57 PM by sean
I just don't get backrubs. I mean, I literally don't receive them, and I also don't understand them. I'm more of a scratch-my-back kind of guy. I usually like my head rubbed a little, and I like hugs. I also like my balls throated. But backrubs are lost on me.

So, we're at this spa, me and the Mrs., and we're gonna get, like, thirty backrubs. I just found out I have to shower beforehand. This all seems like a lot of goddam work. I'll let you know how it works out.

As for the wedding, there is honestly nothing I can say, because to say any one thing is to say nowhere near enough. The best man lied in his best man speech when he said he would be nothing without us, because the truth is I am nothing without him, without me he'd still be awesome. I should write a blog about how I was direspectful to Jordana once early on, and it's the only time Mac threatened to kick my ass. I'm not joking, he's the best of us, truly the best man...

But then it goes from there, and I got nothing to say. So, I'm gonna take a shower, get my frickin' *back* rubbed, fer the love of christ, and then see if I can get my balls shined.