Lucretia Jones

Posted 2:25 PM by sean
This blog is used for me to get rid of some bad shit in my head so I don't get rid of it all over my family.

This page is for the show I'm producing and acting in. It's a lot funnier, and I promise there won't be too much kvetching. And absolutely no talking about poop

New and Improved!

Posted 12:21 PM by sean
So, apparently, if you want to leave a response, you can. Please don't feel like it's necessary, it's so much easier for me to be self flaggelating when I know no-one's reading.

Also, don't correct my spelling. I'll hunt you down and kill you.

God's Favorite Cliche

Posted 10:56 AM by sean
I've been extremely blessed in the last month or so. I've been overwhelmed by the love shown to me by groups of people far and wide. It's really been ridiculous. At times in my life I have been angry with my now-wife, I've had fights with my friends like Mac and Dani that have made me rant at the top of my lungs in my bedroom. I've been so mad at my dad and my brother Ian that I've cut little half moons in my palms from squeezing my fists too tight. I actually yelled at my father in law at a restaurant once (for saying the Democrats were "politicizing" the Iraq war). I'm really blessed that everyone is being so loving towards me right now.

I've also had troubles in my past with *stuff*. Using two mis-matched forks instead of a blender. Buying coats at thrift stores and laughing about how fucked up they are. Paying my rent three months late, but paying the next three months while I was at it. I'm not doing that anymore, for years I've paid my bills on time, for years I've had a bed to sleep in that was mine, and for the last year or so, since the engagement gifts, I have every machine you could want as a home cook. I'm incredibly blessed to have these things.

And, in all honesty, my life has been a series of dodges, always staying one step ahead of bill collectors, always managing to find a job right when my grocery money had run out, always waiting until I got so sick that I went to the emergency room and then ducked out on the emergency room bill. If I wasn't going to make "money" my priority, then I couldn't really bitch about not having money.

But now, sometimes, it's just exhausting. I don't have any money, I don't have any job prospects, I don't have health insurance or car insurance or renter's insurance. I have been incredibly blessed these last few weeks, but it's crippling to even think about it. Jordana is sitting in the ocean with water wings stopping her from drowning, and this marriage is really just me adding 220 pounds of dead weight to her back.

This is introspection, not complaint. I'm not blaming anyone. But I've tried for a year and a half now to somehow work through and past the mistakes I made from 1985 to 1998, and I don't seem to able to stop that guy from haunting me. It makes me think that 15 to 28 year old Sean is the real deal, and the guy I've tried to be since I started hanging out with a better class of person is just a fake.

On Pooping

Posted 9:51 PM by sean
If pooping is like a night out at the theater, and I maintain that it is, then first, you have to accept that the entire evening is part of the metaphor and second, it can either be a short comedy or a long Wagnerian operatic undertaking.


If you have live in the city, your theater plans are pretty fluid. You can think to yourself "Hm, I feel like going to see a show..." but the feeling might pass. And so it goes with pooping. You stop and say to yourself, "I'm feeling a certain amount of, um, pressure to make this happen", but sometimes, that's just, y'know, a fart. Of course, you can't be sure. There is the age old axiom that every time you gamble, you might lose, and if you aren't at your own home or within range of a change of clothes, you're sort of gambling with *everyone's* money, so to speak.

But, for the sake of argument, let's say you recognize this as the real deal. It's usually after you fart-gamble and you get away with it, but only just barely. It's time.

You make your way to the theater and, depending on the nature of the room after your fart gamble, you generally know what you're in for. But much like the theater, even if you know the name of the play and you've read the reviews, you might be in for much more than you bargained for.

The possibilities are endless. My personal favorites are the light musical comedies, the ones that burst forth on the scene with an uptempo overture, followed by a funny piece, provided there are meaningful and multi-dimensional characters. Every once in a great while, especially after a large cup of coffee in the morning after a huge dinner the night before, I like the three act turn of the century comedy, full of quiet dignity and gravitas.

But every once in a while, you sit down and you already feel yourself sweat and you know you're in for it. The pace is just horrendous, the seat is uncomfortable, the theater isn't air conditioned and every new development seems to be so much sturm and drang with no actual *development*. In the theater, this just makes me mad. When I'm trying to poop, I actually get nauseous.

The most disquieting moments are the more modern inconveniences, when you're urinating standing up, you have a good stream immobilizing you, and you realize you have an entirely different experience bearing down on you. If you've done as much yoga as I have, you can actually aim carefully, swing your leg over the back of the toilet and then carefully lower yourself down so that all activity can happen in one fell swoop.

Actually, even if you aim carefully, you'll still pee all over everything. Just trust me on that one. Remind me to tell Jordana to replace the tooth brushes.

The fact is that the most common unpleasantness is the missing third act, when the first two pass like hard dry biscuits dropped down a well and you know somethine wonderful and substantial is about to happen but then, boom. The curtain comes down and no matter how long you sit in the audience, there's no more show. Elvis has, in fact, *not* left the building, but he's also not going to perform any more.

It's times like this that I wish I had a "comment" button.

You ever notice you can only talk for so long about pooping before someone brings up Elvis?

Pictures

Posted 1:16 AM by sean
So, here are some pictures of the rehearsal dinner.

Here are some pictures of the honeymoon.

I took out the ones of Jordana topless, but I included our stomachs after the free meal.