Tools

Posted 10:27 AM by sean
It's ten thirty and Ian is supposed to be here any minute, which means I have an hour to kill, so I'll give you a list of my five favorite kitchen tools, the things I use more than anything else.

1. Zwilling J.A.Henckels 8" Santoku knife. Obviously, anyone who has ever spent enough time in a kitchen to make a sandwich will tell you the benefits of a good knife, but what you should know is that a great knife is the knife you use. I have several knives, and this is the one that, for some reason, sits in my hand the best. I have a Wustof 8" Cook's Knife, or as it says on the sleeve "Kochmesser", that I use a lot as well, but there's something about the way the Santoku sits in my index finger that feels like a violin bow.

Knives are basically like tennis rackets anymore. Spend around 200 dollars and get one the seriously improves your game. But, understand that you can spend 500 dollars on a knife you never use, and a 30 dollar knife will just feel right in your hand.

2. Spring Loaded Tongs. I have three sets of these, one regular straight up stainless, one with plastic coated tong ends and one super long ones for grilling. I don't grill, I don't know what the hell I'm still doing with the six foot long tongs, but the other ones I use all the time. They have a scalloped end and both pairs open when you bump the butt of the tongs against your hip.

Any time I'm frying something, any time I'm making soup, any time I'm braising meat or chicken... I mean, I don't know how people cook without these. Up at the farm one weekend, I realized that if I couldn't find the tongs I would simply be unable to make dinner. I think most people think they can't cook because most people haven't realized how useful tongs are.

3. Williams-Sonoma Heat Resistant Non Stick Spatula. My dad has given me great advice over the course of my life. He's the one who told me that, even as a freelance artist, you should get out of bed nice and early every morning and start working. He also told me to put on my socks before my pants, a habit I have never broken. Better than all of that, he told me about these spatulas. You can submerge them in frying oil, you can leave them sitting in a saute pan, you could put them in a baker's oven and they won't warp or fall apart. And, I use mine to scrape the inside of the bowl when I'm making everything from soup to bread to cookie dough.

Spatulas are magic. I don't know how people cooked when all they had was spoons. I suppose you had to make enough food to feed everyone, plus the food you weren't going to get out of the bowl. When I'm making bread or pasta or any baked goods, and I'm adding the wet to the dry ingredients, I wonder if the recipe is altered for the amount of egg and milk left in the bowl if you don't use a spatula.

4. Kitchenaid Bowl Mixer- This instrument means I make bread. I would not make bread without it, I just wouldn't. And I wouldn't make cookies quite as much, but that's not nearly as important.

I make my own bread, and I try not to eat too much bread that I haven't made, and here's why. I can control the healthiness of the bread I make. A lot of bread is marked as "low carb" or whatever, but mostly that's because they cover the loaf in nuts and fiberous crap that supposedly cancels out the carbs and adds to the vitamins. But I don't like crust very much, and my wife and mom don't eat the crusts, which means they miss out on the vitamins and carb-cancelling fiber.

I make bread using high protein whole weat flour. It's hard to make a good loaf out of this stuff, but since it costs almost *nothing* to make bread, and since my bread hook cuts down on the amount of time I have to knead the dough from an hour to about three minutes, I can keep trying until I get it right.

For some reason, when I make bread, it stays good for about five days. I'm not lying. Five days later, it's still moist, it still tastes great. I make a hunkin' loaf and it lasts forever. For *nothin'*. And I couldn't do it without the Kitchenaid.

5. Large Ceramic and Metal Bowls. I have several, and I really wish I had more. I mix giant salads and then eat them. I let dough rest and rise. I hold mis-en-place and mirpoix. I whip eggs and milk. These big-ass bowls are the other thing that most would-be cooks are missing, and they are always the thing that they take for granted on cooking shows. They throw together omelet makings into a huge tuscan cermic beautiful bowl and then look at the camera and talk about wisk technique. Meanwhile, we're sitting at home with a wisk, all the right ingredients, and a cereal bowl trying to get air into the eggs.

I have three glass, three ceramic and two metal bowls, and I use some combination of them every single time I cook.

Honorable mention-
My wisks- I have three and yes, they are used for different things at different times. A big wide balloon wisk, a skinny long wisk and a regular egg whipping wisk.

Pastry Cutter- This is just a large flat piece of metal, slightly sharp on one end and rolled over on the other. I use it to move ingredients, cut bread dough in half and cleaning the counter. Sure. I clean the counter before I roll out dough or knead bread, and then I use the pastry cutter to clean up all the extra flour.

Stick Blender- Now that I have this I never use a blender. I also use a piece of cardboard with a small hole cut in the center as a lid over whatever I'm cooking.

Thermometers- I have two. One is an oil/candy thermometer, the other is a remote with a long wire. Both are digital. Bread? Done at 185. Chicken? Breast meat 160. (I know, I know, I don't think it'll kill me). Stew meat? 165, Turkey Thigh? 180.

I mean, yeast blooms best at 110 degrees, so if I'm making, say, sandwich bread, I heat the milk and honey until they are about 120, I pour in a third of a cup of water (it drops to about 113) and then I stir in the yeast. Stirring cools things, and the last of the yeast slips into a perfect warm sugar bath. Mo more "use warm water" instructions for me.

Things I still want-
1. Viking Stove. My current stove is about 12 pounds. I need a stove I can't lift.
2. Counter Space. My kitchen is ridiculous.
3. Small stock pot. For some reason, I have soup pots and one 64 gallon bememoth.
4. Dishwasher. I don't mind doing dishes, but our water isn't very hot and I worry.
5. New Microwave. Ours is full of food crud, and no-one wants to clean it.
6. A full size refrigerator. We bought an "apartment sized" fridge because it was 300 dollars less and, well, we live in an apartment. Huge mistake. It holds about three days worth of food. We end up throwing stuff out just to make room.
7. A Rich and Rewarding Career as An Actor. I mean, as long as I'm asking...

Not Totally Wrong

Posted 7:21 PM by sean
Yeah, but I was apparently sort of wrong nonetheless. I've assumed this whole time that Bush supporters overall knew what they were talking about and just disagreed. Check out http://www.pipa.org/OnlineReports/Pres_Election_04/html/new_10_21_04.html#1. It looks like most of them don't know a lot of Bush's positions.

And yeah, that does surprise me.

Stage One

Posted 10:11 AM by sean
I've taken a tiny bit of flack for my last few posts, and I promised to talk about my bowel movements, so I hate to disappoint you. Trust me, when I actually get to it, it will have been worth the wait.

But not today. I gotta tell you about the *FUNNIEST* play I saw last night. It was during an evening of one acts, and it was the smartest premise. You see, a supernatural character named "Snafu" is looking for a job, and she goes to a bar to interview with a man named "Mr. Mephisto". And right away, I know what you're thinking. Mr. Mephisto, unless I misremember my Greek lessons, sounds like he could be THE DEVIL!

Turns out you're right, and "Snafu" is looking for some work. It is established that it's the year 2000, and that's done by the hanging of a sign at the back of the room that has the number "2000" on it. Does the devil have work for Snafu? You bet he does. In FLORIDA!

Wait a minute, you say. Florida? 2000? If I'm putting two and nothing together, they're talking about the election!

But it gets even more fiendishly clever. The first part, where Snafu gets the job, takes about five minutes, although nothing more than the above actually happens. After a moment of black out, the sign is changed on the back wall to read "2004" and Snafu is back to talk to the Devil. Turns out, after "Enron, the Stock Market, the Middle East" her guilt is getting the best of her, and she can't work for the devil any more. The devil says she has to, something else happens, and the play ends.

When I say "something else happens" I'm not protecting the ending, I just don't know what it was.

Now, this is merely a shitty ass piece of theater. It's so bad that I'm announcing how bad it is in this blog without making any attempt to hide it, and normally I switch genders or dates of plot points to throw off potential future employers. But this was a profoundly stupid piece of theater that all the people I agree with politically laughed their asses off at.

Here's the kicker. My in-laws and my grandfather-in-law drove in from Long Island to watch the evening with me. Sitting next to me were two Republicans and one undecided voter. And they heard that leftists believe that the worst thing that has happened since 2000 was Enron. The devil was behind Enron and the Stock Market. Since 2000.

I wanted to die. Not because it gave them fuel for their Foxnews lives, not because they drove an hour each way to watch a play, on the insistence of their kids, and ended up being served up a turd and not because this is all the leverage that they need in disregarding the left. I wanted to die because it might have helped make up the mind of our grandfather, a life-long democrat. I don't know if it did, but it might have.

So, when I desperately cling to the possibility of civility in political discussion, it goes double for the fire breathing choir preaching rhetoric. Preach to the choir as if there were unsaved souls at the window, that's all I'm asking. Maybe downtown Manhattan is the wrong place to find rational discourse, but if that's true then why do any of us go there?

Skip the next bit, it's ranting. The above is the end of the official blog.
********
(((((I'm sorry, but did you understand that? The DEVIL is one of the CHARACTERS of this play, the time span is 2000-2004, and he says he's behind *ENRON*. Fine, don't mention the world trade center attacks, fine, but Jesus Christ, you aren't gonna talk about any of the other global disasters? I don't believe in the devil, I don't believe in evil, but I understand what it is from a dramaturgical point of view. *ENRON*? That's run of the mill greedy business guy stuff. What about Darfur? What about the starving millions in North Korea? Fucking ENRON?

And Snafu? The character? She had her shirt MISBUTTONED. That's right. That's how she embodied "Situation Normal, All Fucked Up." She midbuttoned her shirt. The devil...

Oh my God. The devil. He had a goatie, right? Sure, of course he did. He's the devil. Fine. But then, for some reason, when the time changed to 2004, he was wearing a ridiculous faux-punk leather jacket, with Purple Rain studs all over it and graffiti. What is better than this? What is better than him wearing a ridiculous leather jacket that is expressly *not* indicative of the time indicated by a sign on the back wall?

You're gonna have to wait, because I'll tell you what's worse. What's even worse is that they were blocked to wander, to "use the space" they would, during their own lines, pace back and forth, aimlessly, nervously, like neurotic tigers, across the small playing space. And then, during their own lines, they would stand stock still. They were like dancers, staring at their feet, lips moving as they count...

And, despite the fact that they had thirty seconds to load in and load out their set, they chose to bring out *multiple bottles* to indicate where the bar was, and then they made the bartender face *UPSTAGE*. When Mephisto comes in with his 1980s leather jacket on to indicate that it's 2004, he orders a drink from behind the bar, where he and the bartender must talk over their shoulders in order for the audience to hear.

But what's worse? What's worse? Oh God, it's almost precious. When the play was over and we went out in the lobby, the guy who played the devil WAS WEARING THE LEATHER JACKET IN HIS HEADSHOT. Sure, his face is also blurred because he's blowing out a lungful of smoke, but the leather jacket that just made no sense in the play suddenly made sense.

When I was seven, I had a suede "country" vest with down on the inside and snaps. I wore it all the time. I loved it. My mom took it away from me to launder it once a month of so, and then I'd go back to wearing it. Little fat kid in short shorts, an OP shirt and a suede vest with snaps and I thought I was awesome.

I was ***SEVEN***!!!!!!!

I can just imagine this guy putting on this jacket and saying, "I... look... GREAT!" and then going to the director, "I have the best jacket for the second scene. Seriously, it looks so amazing. Perfect for the devil."

I wished I was dead for about twenty eight reasons. It was the longest fifteen minutes of my life.)))))

Apology

Posted 12:01 PM by sean
I'm sorry for saying that Bush voters aren't dumb. It turns out, almost all voters are dumb. this is actually kind of shocking. Here are the money quotes

A close look at five key domestic agenda items suggests that Tennesseans as a group hardly qualify as well-informed and ideologically consistent policy wonks. On four of the five issues, only about half of a given candidate’s supporters hold opinions consistent with those of the candidate.

Many favor positions inconsistent with their candidate. Perhaps even more interestingly, sizable chunks of each candidate’s supporters favor positions held by the opposing camp.   And when quizzed about which candidates hold which positions on the five issues, Tennesseans score an average of only two right answers – about the same result one could get by merely guessing

Of course, the problem is that a lot of people are voting for Bush because they believe he will be better on the war. They might think that because they understand it's a war he made up, and I can dig that. But the real war on terrorism obviously requires a better nuts and bolts man than Bush, and Kerry is nothing if not a nuts and bolts guy.

My brother Steve pointed out to me that Islam the religion has nothing to do with Islamic governments acting in their name. I disagree, strongly, but it is a point that needs to be made. We're living in a Christian world, and it should be made clear that I do understand that Islam has basically the same inscrutable message of peace, forgiveness, miracle and wonder that all your major retarded world religions do, and I hold it in as much esteem as I hold Christianity, Judaism, Confuscionism, Tarot Card reading and Native American polytheism. Y'all are all retarded, just the same, in your love of God.

From now on, to make sure there is a distinction, I will refer not to Islam, but to the geoplotical islamic movement.

However, I think the next post will be about my love of adult moist ass-wipes, so it probably won't come up any more.