What I Did

Posted 1:36 PM by sean
Wednesday morning, Jordana's alarm went off while we were talking and hugging. I've never seen her so upset, never, not on September 11th, not when she's lost shows and jobs, never. And while I'm sure it might be shocking to many of you that she would be more hurt by this election than by September 11th, you should know that her people have been expecting attacks from the outside world for thousands of years, it's when you are attacked by your own people that it is hard to swallow.

She left for work and I went to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half. I decided it was a new year, starting November 3. This is a new year for me, I just had a birthday, I'm now five. I turned two when my parents were divorced, I turned three when I was divorced, I turned four when I remarried and it's time to turn five. I went and got my hair cut.

We all know the small things we could do in order to get ahead, we all know the secret things we should be doing. It's terrifying, this life. We worry about failure. We worry even more about success. We worry about death, about pain, about loneliness. As a nation, we nominated John Kerry because we were worried what middle America would think if we nominated Howard Dean. We wanted someone electable, and we tried to play to the center. We were wrong.

I'm not going to do it anymore. The post I published some weeks ago about the Republican mindset was a peace offering, an explanation when I felt like the debate was too full of hate. I am no longer interested in the debate, I am no longer interested in your point of view. I have children waiting to be born, I have audiences waiting for my work, I have a voice that hasn't sung in years because of *caution*, because I wanted to be electable.

I will never again back a candidate because he's electable. I'm going to lose, shot down in a blaze of glory, my kind is always denied access to the polls, my kind is always going to get punched in the face, we will *ALWAYS* get beat up by the school bully, so I'm not gonna give him my lunch money any more. Beat me up, either way, you won't get my fucking lunch money.

We all know the small things we should be doing, and on Wednesday I started. I went to the gym, I cut my hair, and I started making phone calls. I have the names of three agents who will meet with me next week. I have three casting directors who told me to use their names. And Gideon met.

We talked about our show, our next show, the show after that. We talked about politics, sure, but none of that matters at all. We're New York Jews, you hate us anyway. We're faggots. You hate us anyway. You want me to pretend like I'm *not* smarter than you? Like I *don't* look down on you? Will you hate me less then? Will you think I'm cool? Will you like me? No, you won't. I can pretend to like you, to respect you, but I don't.

We're New York Jews. We're faggots. You hate me anyway. But soon, I'll be on your TV. Me and my faggot Jew friends. We'll keep cashing your checks. You don't know who you're writing it to anyway, you don't care. You want fat stand up comics with hot smart wives who love them, and you want funny funny commercials for Palmolive and you don't want to know who the check is going to. So, soon, I'm gonna take it.

You watch TV and you don't know when you're being spun. You listen to Rock and Roll, you don't know you're being spun. You don't read the bible, you have it read to you by people scared of pretty girls and faggots, scared of bold behavior, and you stay so scared you have to own a gun and drink your meals in halogen kitchens with children bred on terror and vapors. Wood paneling living room lit by the glow of must-see TV and the faint smell of over fried chicken and gin, with the faintest whirring of your brain buzzing out "Seinfeld isn't bad for a jew", and you're advising *me* to be less arrogant.

I woke up Wednesday and by the time I went to bed Wednesday night, I had started my future. I'm never leaving here. I'm dug in. And I am going to lord it over you, when they come for you. Every Mormon that voted for hate, voted side by side with Christians that think they are a cult. Every Jew that voted to protect Israel stood side by side with every southern anti-semite. Every person who lost their job voted for more jobs to be sent over seas. Every person who voted for Jesus, voted against tolerance and love.

They will come for you. They will come for me first, sure, my wife, my children. They will come for my neighbors, the New York Arabs, the Liberal Elite. They will come for me first, but I'll survive, I will thrive because I am in the right, because I am elite. Then they will come for you, and you will be too scared, too terrified to do anything. You will hold your head in your hands and say, "I wanted *them* to change, not Me! I wasn't voting so that bad things would happen to ME! How did this come back to me? Why can't I worship and love and have a job? How did this happen?"

I went to bed Wednesday night, but I didn't go to sleep. I got up Thursday and I went to the gym. I made more phone calls, I wrote more music and I taught children. Your children. I taught them to be bold. I told them to stand up, I told them that no-one in my group judges another for singing differently. I taught them that we are the music makers, that we are the dreamers of the dream. I taught them to be the next generation of loud mouths and degenerates, battling always toward absolute unfettered freedom.

I came home exhausted, drained, and I had dinner with my wife and my mom and we laughed and laughed. We didn't watch the news, we talked about our music, about my kids in rehearsal, about our dreams. My mom is getting a job as an editor for textbooks. Whoops! I'm teaching children. UH-OH! You don't have enough hate in you to stomp us all out. They will come for me, for my wife, my kids, sure. But they will come for you next. The left doesn't need to wake up, the liberal elite doesn't need to change a goddam thing. You don't have to wake up either. Sleep as long as you can. But they are coming for you, rest assured.

I went to bed last night. I went to bed exhausted, but I did not go to sleep.

Hope

Posted 11:45 AM by sean
I'm not sure how many posts are gonna come out of me in the next few days. A part of me thinks I won't write again until the world rights itself, the other part of me knows I'm gonna scream until the rafters scream back.

This election was one of fear. Every single vote, yours and mine included, was cast in fear. We were all voting in the hopes of avoiding the horrible thing we think is going to happen. The Gay Marriage votes were not votes wherein people were hoping to end homosexuality, they were voting against the imagined queering of marriage. We voted for John Kerry because we are terrified of what another four years of President Bush will bring us.

And people voted for Bush because they were terrified of what would happen without him.

Democrats lost because we had nothing to vote *for*.

The way words work is endlessly fascinating to me. Think about the meaning of "acute" and "obtuse", and how they become almost onomatopoeiac, I've already talked about how cool it is to refer to something as "remarkable", as if anything less shouldn't even be spoken about. The word that is haunting me today is "distinguished".

If you distinguish one thing from another, you are clarifying it, you are giving it distinct parameters. John Kerry was attacked a number of times as having never distinguished himself, and they meant it both ways, that he had never risen above the fray politically and that he never seemed to *stand* for anything.

Now, this is a shitty position to be in, arguing that my guy couldn't have won when yesterday morning I thought he was going to. But I'll be completely honest, when his poll numbers looked good, when all the prediction sites had him winning, I was pleasantly shocked. As soon as we turned the TV on last night, I knew. Jordana knew, she could see it on my face, I even tried not to look at her, but I knew really really early.

Long before the called Florida, I knew the polls were a dream. And I knew that my nightmare was about to come true.

To My Family

Posted 1:00 AM by sean
It feels sometimes like it's impossible for us to win. I've chalked it up to the field I've chosen, the fields we have all chosen, but still, it can be heartbreaking.

We drove with Mom snoring in the back seat of the car to Ohio, and then we stayed awake all night with mom snoring in the motel, only to have her wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5 in the morning, all set to work on protecting the election. There are always wandering homeless when you stand outside for too long, especially in the more desperate neighborhoods in America, and here was no exception. There were plenty of crazy people, the kind of people that you feel yourself moving away from, hoping someone else will take care of them, and my mom would kind of fold them in, hear their story, make sure they know they were heard, and somehow get them to go away.

I will not despair. I will not.

Mom is 72 years old, she'll be 76 next time, 80 the time after that, 84 after that... and no-one's gonna stop her. She wasn't protecting the election because all the kids were doing it, she was doing it because she was fighting. She's *ancient*, *WAY* too old to be standing all day trying to convince people they should vote, but she was doing it. She's gonna wake up really, really sad tomorrow and she shouldn't.

First of all, you know mom, she's gonna forget about the election about eight times tomorrow. And then she'll remember and be sad all over again. But she shouldn't be sad because it isn't about winning. You can't get mad at America for being scared, for believing what they are told. It's terrifying, living in America right now, and you can't get sad about them believing what they are told.

This fight happens every single day. This election doesn't change anything, we are still battling fear. They try to stop schools from teaching things that show their weaknesses, they try to stop people from voting, from speaking their minds, from saying things that can undermine their power. And its working right now.

I'm stumbling. I'll admit it. But I won't despair. I will not.

It's working right now, but it won't always work. Mom knows this. She knows that you have to keep fighting the fight. Just because it's working right now, doesn't mean that fear will always win. It is inhuman, it's unnatural to live outside the bounds of constant celebration.

We haven't called each other tonight, I know that. None of us has called or emailed. I know Dad is really sad right now, the picture of his face in November of 1980 is somehow burned on to my mind, that picture of his sad face when Carter lost. Kent and Sean must be fucking heartbroken. I know Steve and Michelle are trying to figure out how the world even makes sense, and, Jesus, I am not even going to imagine what Ian and Tessa are going through.

My sweet Jordana crawled into bed. She didn't cry. She cries sometimes when she loses a job or when a gig goes south or when she feels like her parents or friends don't understand her, but the only times she really cries is when she feels alone in the world. Tonight she didn't cry, she said she was scared. She's scared for our country, for our lives, for the future.

Mom went to bed early. She didn't cry either. After the life she's had, I can't imagine that she would cry.

But at some point tomorrow, we are all gonna despair. Same for Mac and Ehren and Seth and Jon and Dan and and and and and...

The fight wasn't gonna end tomorrow no matter what. People didn't have an option, really, they didn't know.

We go see "well made plays" sometimes, and they never really excite you. President Bush... is a million things, but the one undeniable fact is that he is human and we sort of sold out when we nominated the most electable. We should remember that. We sold out, we tried for a package that would please the most people. Next time, we get Hillary to run with Al Sharpton and we get the white house back to someone spunky,

Or not. The war is wrong, the economy is wrong and we're gonna have four more years of never giving up. And while this happens, we have to have our babies and get our bodies in shape and love each other and continue the debate. The one thing we have to do is to keep fighting. I know you know this, I know I don't have to say it. I know that none of this helps.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna write music. I'm gonna work on my play and on my art. And I want you to do it too. I know, you're all smarter than me, this is pollyanna crap, but do it just tomorrow. Tomorrow, make this our day to take one giant step forward, the day after the election is the day we decided that we were gonna throw our shoulder behind the cart and see if we can't get it out of the mud.

And, just for tomorrow, don't despair. If you can make it to Thursday without despairing, then maybe we won't despair at all.